Things I’ve Been Told

(notes on the film industry)

I’ve been told that my chances are slim because of my gender, my age and my background. Especially my gender.

I’ve been told that I seem like I don’t want it enough. Only to be told later that it would be better if I didn’t want it too much.

I’ve been told that being intelligent is not a good thing. That being cool is better.

I’ve been told to charm. That it wouldn’t be a bad idea to flirt. Or to blur a line. That everyone does it and that makes it ok.

I’ve been told that I am talented. Yet that talent is not enough — I must also have luck. (But that I will be judged if I try to make my own luck.)

I’ve been told I’m not “English looking” enough. Then not “ethnic looking” enough. Nor “Jewish”, “European” or “Middle Eastern” enough. Even though I am all these things.

I’ve been told they want a “name”; and that I don’t have the right one.

I’ve been told I should appear malleable. Without an opinion or personality. Yet, at the same time be the exact person they are looking for.

I’ve been told I must be confident but not too sure of myself. Ambitious but not too serious. Mysterious but not too aloof. That they are looking for smart women of course, but not outspoken ones.

I’ve been told that the work and the craft matters. That they admire transformation. Only to discover later that it’s just whether they like you or not.

I’ve been told that they want to think outside the box. Unfortunately, when you’re out of the box then they won’t know where to fit you.

I’ve been told to keep going. That it’s about faith and perseverance. Even though it’s really just down to chance. And whether someone is willing to take a gamble on you.

I’ve been told that I’m just not what they’re looking for. That I came close, but I’m not quite right.

I’ve been told that I don’t own my future. Other people decide it for me. That I must keep giving parts of myself, even if I get nothing back.

These are all things I’ve been told.

At some point I had to stop listening to what I was being told and started telling my own story.